If that helps!?

[Duck]

Quack! made you look. If that helps.

[Reaper]

:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

[TheFella]

Two ducks were flying over Ballymena and one duck goes "quack quack". The other duck goes, "I'm going as quack as I can!"

(Sorry, N.I. joke there, no-one will get it)

[imp]

you still at work duck?

[TheFella]

I'm at work if that helps!

[Phoenix]

im at home if that helps

[Scooter]

im 23 if that helps

[TheFella]

I'm 24 and I've just had a really nice chicken tikka on iceberg lettuce sandwich at work, if that helps?

[Scooter]

ive just had a very very nice poo if that helps 8)

[TheFella]

I had a great poo the other day, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

im sitting at my pc typing if that helps at all

[Wheels]

i've just got back from 4 hrs in the pub if that helps

[TheFella]

We could re-title this thread "If that helps". If that helps??

[Wheels]

We could re-title this thread "If that helps". If that helps??

i think it would if that helps

[TheFella]

I respect that opinion, if that helps??

[Wheels]

currently i'm trying to chat up my ex girlfriend on txt messaging. If that helps??

[TheFella]

I've had a good spell recently with the ladies. If that helps??

[Lien Rag]

I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that I am writing that (...) :) hehe LOL

[Wheels]

i'm gonna try and get in a mates girlfreinds knickers tonight, wel i say mate i really mean aquaintance. If that helps??

[Wheels]

BTW fella i got your joke, If that helps??

[TheFella]

I'm glad you got my joke! If that helps??
I don't think your mate's girlfriend's knickers will fit you. If that helps??

[Wheels]

your prolly right shes a size 8 with 38d's and im 6ft 17stone and a 38inch waist!! if that helps??


P.S. i'm not gay or owt if that helps??

[HaYl0]

im amused.. if that helps?

[TheFella]

I'm only 14 stone, if that helps??

[Wheels]

a sailor is walking along the side of a river and sees a ladie about to jump of the bridge into the freezing water.
when he approaches he says" wait dont kill yourself"
she replies " but my life is so crap i just wanna die"
the sailor says" look i leave on a boat for america tonight. i could sneak you aboard, i would bring you food every night, i could love you and you could love me"
the ladie thinks to herself that a new start in the U.S. could be just what she needs, plus the sailor is cute, so she agrees.
anyway sailor boy sneaks her on board that night and she hides an a lifeboat.
sure enough everynight the sailor brings her food and they make passionate love everynight.

a fortnight passes and on a routine inspection the captain finds the ladie hiding out in the life boat...
the captain says" what the hell are you doing in this lifeboat!!???!!"

lady " i've got an arrangment with a sailor, he's taking me to america, bringing me food, and he's fucking me"
the captain replies " damn right he's fucking you, this is the ferry to Birkenhead!"


If that helps??

[TheFella]

I got your joke, if that helps??

[Scooter]

i need help if that helps?

[TheFella]

We need help. If that helps??

[Wheels]

Ive had help but it's not helping, if that helps??

[Scooter]

i need help getting help if that helps?

[TheFella]

If I had loads of help, I'd tell you all to help yourselves, if that helps??

[Wheels]

in my opinion dashboard confessional are a nice band bit random i know but hey, if that helps??

[Scooter]

in my opinion spurs are the only team in london, if that helps?

[TheFella]

Did anyone watch the Toon match last night? It was well played I thought.
Shearer looked like he'd been in a boxing match! If that helps??

[Wheels]

in my opinion spurs are the only team in london, if that helps?
LMAO nuff said, if that helps??

[Scooter]

shearer always gets whacked if that helps




once i was watching spurs a les ferdinand got knocked out when he came too he said 'who am i' so glenn hoddle told him he was pele an to go and score some goals lol............................................... .................................................. ..................if that helps?

[Scooter]

Wheelchair"]in my opinion spurs are the only team in london, if that helps?
LMAO nuff said, if that helps??



ahh so you agreee say no more....if that helps?

[TheFella]

I'm beginning to lose the plot on this thread, if that helps??

[Wheels]

in my opinion spurs are the only team in london, if that helps?

surely if they were the only team in London they would have scored more goals by now......if that helps??

[Scooter]

this thread started with a quack if that helps?



moan moan moan moan moan moan moan moan moan moan moan moan
winge winge winge winge winge winge winge winge - arsne wenger quote.

if that helps?

[Scooter]

Wheelchair"]in my opinion spurs are the only team in london, if that helps?

surely if they were the only team in London they would have scored more goals by now......if that helps??

no if that helps?

[TheFella]

I remember that quack! If that helps??

[Wheels]

i think, as always, it was ducks fault! if that helps??

[TheFella]

I blame Duck for everything, if that helps??

[Scooter]

duck is to blame for the lack of world peice......if that helps?

[Wheels]

right i gotta have a shower and go down the pub
i blame duck for that too
if that helps??

[TheFella]

I'm still at work! :( If that helps??

[Scooter]

this thread has now died on its feet if that helps?

[7rinity]

I am rekindling this thread, if that helps??

[Duck]

I've not checked this thread...... wait......
I have now!

[Lankinator]

i like pies, if that helps

[SHADOW]

OMG u guys must be bored out of your skull to be writing this drivel

[Gokuboy]

Damn right, if that helps.

[R3dz]

looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooool

......does that help?????

[TheFella]

These replies rock!!!!! If that helps??

[Phoenix]

i like fish. if that helps?

does it help?

does it?

[TheFella]

I prefer chicken. Full of protein. Although fish contains omega 3 oils, which help the brain, if that helps??

[Scooter]

i prefer duck ;) if that helps?





nice pic duck btw

[TheFella]

Brilliant! Referring back to the thread origin! I like your style, if that helps??

[Devilfish]

Duck take a left at the round about and straight past the trees to get to the pond, if that helps

[R3dz]

Duck take a left at the round about and straight past the trees to get to the pond, if that helps


ahahhahahahhahahaha. brilliant. sorry. i dont think that helped. did it?

[Duck]

WOW this thread has gone on a bit. Funny what a Quack can do.

[R3dz]

did u know a ducks quack doesnt echo?
if that helps.

[Soup Dragon]

is that cos you dont see many ducks in mountainous regions due to lack of duck ponds - any help?

[R3dz]

no its actually down to the nature of the resonance of the 'quack'. if that helps explain it?

[Scooter]

heres one i dont care if that helps?

[rundll32]

you're all nuts if that helps?

[TheFella]

I think we already know that, if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

No we don't :p , if that helps?

[Lankinator]

have any of you seen my missing ostrich? bout 6ft tall, likes to stick his head in the ground and goes by the name pete?

[AB_Drax]

Yup, saw him, if that helps

[Soup Dragon]

just saw one in my garden but he didn't respond when i shouted 'Pete' so it can't be him, sry - doesnt help :rolleyes:

[Zeph]

Im just gonna rename the thread. If that helps.

I cant imagine how much database space this thread is taking. If that helps.

[Phoenix]

this thread is the best thread on the site, if that helps?

[TheFella]

Again, I appologies for this monster that I started. If that helps??

[Phoenix]

i apologise for starting it also been as i was second to put it, if that helps your cause in any way?

[TheFella]

I'm glad I won't burden the blame or the punishment alone, if that helps??

[7rinity]

I have been spending the last 20 minutes trying to think up ways to rekindle this thread yet again. Unfortunately I haven't come up with anything. I really don't know what to say to encourage more people to reply to this thread. We could go for a real record here. Just think...the guiness book of records for the longest and most pointless thread in the history of threads - a bit like the world's biggest ball of twang...just imagine: the world's largest thread, forever growing like a wart upon an arse. Soon people from all over the world will be reading this thread. Some will laugh, some will cry, and some will even reply...just think about it.

Anyway, I have even written a poem about this thread which I hope you all like. Ahem....

Oh duck, oh duck, what have you done,
You've started a thread that's second to none,
You've quacked a quack like none before it,
You've belched a belch like Rab C. Nesbitt.

Oh peeps, oh peeps, come watch the show,
Come watch this meaty fucker grow,
Come smell the stench of words galore,
Like a pig sniffing for shit on the floor.

This thread you know, must not be ignored,
Spewed out by a duck so blatantly bored,
Sit down and type to add to it so,
Words of wisdom that only you know.

Oi you!!!!!!

Remove your hands from within your pants,
Start typing as though your arse has ants,
Type, type, type like never before,
Rub this thread till it's hard and sore.

Rub, Rub, rub it so,
Rub it hard, watch it grow,
Then when you're done please exit this thread
From the nearest exit...

:D

[7rinity]

The sole purpose of this particular reply of mine is to push this thread back to the top at the 'portal home' so that my really deep and eloquent poem gets read by everybody. Hope it helps!

[TheFella]

That was sweet, but were's my mention?? I was the first person to mention "if that helps??". Phoenix, Scooter and [10 inch] Wheelchair were also essential in perpetuating this thread as well, if that helps??

[7rinity]

Oh dear :D

Although I just checked and Duck definitely was the first to mention 'if that helps'. however, I agree that I should have mentioned you and a few others and will try and rectifiy this in the near future, if that helps.

[TheFella]

Duck added that in after the thread had taken hold. If that helps??

[7rinity]

This is what duck wrote and I think it's the first posting on the thread:

"Quack! made you look. If that helps."

Or is this thread actually a spin-off from another thread where you say 'if that helps' before anyone else?

I may be wrong, if that helps!

[TheFella]

Duck wrote the first half and that was it. Once the thread went down this path, he went back and added in the "if that helps." If that helps??

[Devilfish]

Im reading this thread coz the server is down but I will be back on asap, if that helps

[Scooter]

duck just said quack, made you look.
he may have edited the super phrase in later





















if that helps?

[TWAT]

Trin thats the most beautifull poem ever! if that helps?

[7rinity]

Ah, I have seen the light, if that helps!?

Duck must be clipped onto a clothes peg by his wings and ripped apart by an XM lol

[TheFella]

I'm now expecting a mention, if that helps??
:)

[Scooter]

yes me too me and fella were largely to thank for this monumental and record breaking thread duck merely planted a seed which me and fella fed and nurtured to the fully grown mammoth thred it is today.

.......if that





helps?

[7rinity]

I'm all out of creative energy right now. Give me a few weeks and I will publish a real work of art and I will be sure to mention you, scooter and 10inch-wheelchair. Could certainly make an interesting little story out of those names lol

[TheFella]

I'm pleased, if that helps??

[Devilfish]

Btw I know many things, The wheel is round, fire is hot and rain makes ur bum itch, if that helps?

[TheFella]

I thought I'd edit the poem slightly...

Oh Duck, Fella, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair, oh Duck, Fella, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair, what have you done,
You've started a thread that's second to none,
You've quacked, Fella-ed, Scootered and [10 Inch] Wheelchaired a quack, fella, scooter and [10 inch] wheelchair like none before it,
You've belched a belch like Rab C. Nesbitt.

Oh peeps, oh peeps, come watch the show,
Come watch this meaty fucker grow,
Come smell the stench of words galore,
Like a pig sniffing for shit on the floor.

This thread you know, must not be ignored,
Spewed out by a Duck, Fella, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair so blatantly bored,
Sit down and type to add to it so,
Words of wisdom that only you know.

Oi you!!!!!!

Remove your hands from within your pants,
Start typing as though your arse has ants,
Type, type, type like never before,
Rub this thread till it's hard and sore.

Rub, Rub, rub it so,
Rub it hard, watch it grow,
Then when you're done please exit this thread
From the nearest exit...






If that helps??

[Scooter]

fame at last :D :D :D :D :D


and that helps

[Eda]

I think this is a pointless thread so Im locking it, if that helps?
No just kidding, Im not locking it if that helps?

[Soup Dragon]

that poem has made me cry it was so beautiful :( :( :( :( :(

i'm sorry that was no help at all

[7rinity]

rofl

Nice search and replace on the original if that helps?!

:Ã*tchy:

[Duck]

This thread will be the longest thread EVER!... If that helps

"I have a mission and I will need help!"

[Duck]

7rinity nows a lot about rubbing.

Oh and nice poem! Loved it to bits. I read it, If that helps

[Wheels]

hello just realised at least 3 pages have gone by without me posting

so here i am, if that helps??

[Soup Dragon]

where have you been asleep?

if that helps? :rolleyes:

[Lien Rag]

Don't forget me , if that helps??

[Scooter]

SPAM SPAM SPAM.....if that helps?

[Zeph]

no it doesnt. If it helps?

[Ripper]

why doesn't it if it helps?

[Wheels]

Wheelchair"]currently i'm trying to chat up my ex girlfriend on txt messaging. If that helps??


still chatting her up man its hard work
it would be easier to get a new one, if that helps??


w00t 100th post, if that halps??

[Lien Rag]

There are too many posts in that thread , if that helps??
I go to bed , if that helps??

[Zeph]

Yes lien Rag, I think that helps. If it helps?

[Soup Dragon]

i've got a butler, he helps

[Zeph]

You didnt follow the flow of the thread Soup, if that helps.

[TheFella]

I noticed that! Ya can't just but in with some silly comment like that!!! :p
Well, that's my view on the matter, if that helps??

[Zeph]

Wow this is a long thread. Ill make it longer............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ................................................If it helps.

[TheFella]

I really DO think that we're going for a forum, if not a world record on this thread!!

We could even succed with some encouragement!

Go team, Go! If that helps??

[Sorj]

I was inspired by all the words in here if that helps??...
I feel the need to add my owm creative thoughts to aid this thread if that helps??

[Zeph]

Welcome to the board Sorjai! If it helps.

[Duck]

I'm at work bored and daised,
come on boss gimme a raise,
trying to think of words to say,
Oh buggery its one of those days,
Oh shit here she comes,better stop this crappy poem
.... if that helps.

[TheFella]

Your at work at this time!! And posting on the forum!!!

So am I, if that helps??

[Duck]

You being at work doesn't help me work but does help me help extend this if that helps thread so it does help ina kind of way so pass the message on... if that helps

[TheFella]

I found that last post confusing, but eventually understandable, if that helps??

[R3dz]

yes indeed,
i think generally he meant that it helps to extend this thread. does that help?

[TheFella]

Ah, you cleared that up, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

i didnt look at this thread for a day and there have been an extra 3 pages added to it. also fellas new poem did not have my name in it which was the second to actually say "if that helps?". so i am now going to complain to the authorities about this thread. my new poem also goes like this.

once upon a time there was an asylum for stupid people
that housed a thread that created a loophole
the ones that thought of it were kind of wierd
phoenix, fella, scooter, wheelchair,duck are the feared
as these started the thread
that the world wants to bed
oh what a beautiful day to create a record
oh what a beautiful day to create a record!

as you can tell i cant write poems but i believe that the use of my name is needed. also heres a final alteration of the original

Oh Duck, Fella, Phoenix, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair, oh Duck, Fella, Phoenix, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair, what have you done,
You've started a thread that's second to none,
You've quacked, Fella-ed, Phoenix'ed, Scootered and [10 Inch] Wheelchaired a quack, fella, Phoenix, Scooter and [10 inch] wheelchair like none before it,
You've belched a belch like Rab C. Nesbitt.

Oh peeps, oh peeps, come watch the show,
Come watch this meaty fucker grow,
Come smell the stench of words galore,
Like a pig sniffing for shit on the floor.

This thread you know, must not be ignored,
Spewed out by a Duck, Fella, Phoenix, Scooter and [10 Inch] Wheelchair so blatantly bored,
Sit down and type to add to it so,
Words of wisdom that only you know.

Oi you!!!!!!

Remove your hands from within your pants,
Start typing as though your arse has ants,
Type, type, type like never before,
Rub this thread till it's hard and sore.

Rub, Rub, rub it so,
Rub it hard, watch it grow,
Then when you're done please exit this thread
From the nearest exit...


there.

finally i wish to never forgive you fella for missing my name out

and oh wait a minute................if that helps?

[Reaper]

Bloody hell phoenix how bored r u ...... if that helps!?

[Phoenix]

erm.....i have the afternoon off college and i have nuthing unhelpful to do. if that helps?

[Phoenix]

trying something:

if *phoenix* you *phoenix* notice *phoenix*this *phoenix* notice *phoenix* you *phoenix* will *phoenix* notice *phoenix* that *phoenix* this *phoenix* notice *phoenix* is *phoenix* not *phoenix* worth *phoenix* noticing.

did my brainwashing work? what is the word that you noticed most in the last phrase?

*phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix* *phoenix*

if it didnt work before what is the most noticable word now?

im trying to take over the world. if that helps?

p.s i know what word you are thinking of. but you think that i know that you are thinking of a different word to the one that i know that you are really thinking of. if that helps?

[Reaper]

well well well time to call in the men in white coats i think 8O 8O 8O ..... if that helps!?

[Phoenix]

ahhh no i was jus bored. testing a psychological test i devised in errr 3 seconds. if that helps?

[TheFella]

I like the revision of the poem.
And I appologise for leaving you out Phoenix, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

i forgive you....if that helps?

[TheFella]

I'm glad we're still forum friends, if that helps??

[Duck]

Sorry Pheonix, its hard to write a poem and include the world pheonix. We couldn't think of a word that ryhmes with it. The best words we could come up with were:

nits
bits
gits
sits
wits
six
optics
...

okay okay, there are quite a few words that ryhme with pheonix..... if that helps!

[Phoenix]

the phoenix has firey nits
that sit on his head like gits
they joke all day
and act all gay
and get on phoenix' tits

thats a start. if that helps?

[Duck]

Nice one pheonix, very nursery like poem! hehehe! you should be a teacher.
on another subject I have noticed the thread for the cheat scola (spits) is catching up with this one. Should a cheat get so much attention? Justed wanted to point that out .... If it helps.

[Duck]

I mean't If that helps not if it helps ..... if that helps

[TheFella]

We're approaching 10 pages, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

i allready mentioned that on that thread. so you are in fact. slow duck....if that helps?

[Lien Rag]

Try to go to 11 pages now :) , if that helps??

[TheFella]

I believe we have a long way to go to achieve that! If that helps??

[Lien Rag]

I will soon say to you all the maps I d/led yesterday :) , if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

gah , my sig doesn't function , if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

and now? , if that helps??

[TheFella]

Not working, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

loads of randomness helps. if that helps?

[Reaper]

yes that what we like to see lots of randomness .... if that helps!?

[Scooter]

i have just finised work, today i put a new gearbox in a fiat bravo.

if that helps

[Phoenix]

i hate fiats...if that helps?

[Scooter]

me too after today

if that helps

[Phoenix]

i want a dodge viper. if that helps?

[Scooter]

if you get one i dont want to fix it

if that helps?

[Scooter]

ive just spoken to my friend and were organizing a weekend in nottingham on the razz :D :D :D :D

if that helps?


already been once last year it was superb



if that helps?


we got chatted up in the quilted llama by a load of teachers (30+years old) one of my friends got off with one (yuck).

if that helps?


we drank a large fishbowl, that was nice


if that helps?

[Phoenix]

i live in nottingham if that helps
i know all the good places(even tho i could have never been out drinking before as its totally illegal for a 17 year old to go drinking)
q-lounge is my fave place but long island and the works are nice aswell......if that helps?

[Scooter]

i went to the works it was quite good there was women with metal bikinis grinding themselves with a angle grinder there were sparks everywere, that was a bit bizzaar.

the strip club was good too 8O 8O

if that helps

[Phoenix]

i aint been to any strip clubs yet. looking forward till i can legally go into clubs etc so that i can jus stroll into random strip clubs aswell. my uncle used to be a bouncer so if i went with him i could get into most anyways coz he knows all the bouncers in town. if i ever get chucked out of a club they will not hear the last of me

[Lien Rag]

I have now 1163 maps :) , if that helps??





Yes it helps , if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

Plz help me to put my photo in the sing , it that helps??

[Lien Rag]

in my sig* , if that helps??

[Phoenix]

dont keep spamming lien do one at a time or it may not count :S. im determined to get this thread to 100 pages, if that helps?

[Artjuh]

I havent read this whole topic yet, did I miss something? Do I have to read it all? 8O How could I miss 11 pages :(

If that helps?

[Wheels]

my sucky modem keeps cutting me off randomly so i can't post as often as i'd like, if that helps??

[Phoenix]

art you ruined the flow. if that helps?

[7rinity]

Im hopefully about to play a clan match if that helps

[Artjuh]

oh, i c. I did some editing, if that helps?

[Scooter]

what did you edit ? ......... tinkerman :D

if that helps?

[Phoenix]

you edit too much art. like fixing poll votes. ill never forgive you for that. if that helps?

[Eda]

Im thirsty, if that helps?

[Zeph]

Im ya man to put stuff back together that artjuh broke. If it helps?

[AB_Drax]

Ancient proverb, told to me by some Nazca Indians in '63.

Remember this Zeph:

If the eagle can fly, dont hammer its wings

(Translates to: Don't do chicken, OR If it aint broke, dont fix it)

If that helps

[TheFella]

Wow! I've gone out for the night and missed 2 pages!!! If that helps??

[Zeph]

No Ab_Drax, that didnt help at all.

Just like to say Ive no idea what youre going on about, if it helps.

[TheFella]

This is quite amusing now, as i've had a few drinks. If that helps??

[Zeph]

It does help, if it helps?

I know this is a spam thread but just ask long as it doesnt get out of hand then Im happy to get to 50, even 100 pages of rubbish.

If it helps :)

[TheFella]

I'm glad you can see the (odd) merits of this thread, if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

And it is sooooo funny :) 'maybe not soooooo but only so lol) , if that helps??

[Stilgar]

i could write something in this thread too, if that helps

[Artjuh]

na, i won't edit any polls anymore, if that helps?

[Phoenix]

then i may find it in me to forgive you....

but youlll have to grovel.....if that helps?

[AB_Drax]

I've got some spare gravel pheonix, if that helps

[Phoenix]

gravel is different to grovel. if that helps?

[Lankinator]

if i had the powers i'd lock this thread and change every reply to the word banjo, if that helps?

[Duck]

Are we having midweek practise because that would really help. If that helps.

[TheFella]

We're on 13 pages, if that helps??

[Artjuh]

Ive some SPAM for you, if that helps?

[Artjuh]

Ive some SPAM for you, if that helps?

[Artjuh]

|What a useless spam topic. I like it!|
Ive some spam for you, so I have 670 post, if that helps?

[TheFella]

This isn't a spam topic. We're trying to keep the post to a standard, if that helps??

[rundll32]

I think I'm hungry for chicken, if that helps

[TheFella]

I'm hungry for chicken as well. And i'm at work, if that helps??

[Artjuh]

im not hungry for chiken, im a vegetarian if that helps

[Duck]

HOW TO POO AT WORK
Following is the Survival Guide on how to poo at work.

CROP DUSTING
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in
your
area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be
careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been
expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for
other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back
again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in
a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If
you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not
happen. If
you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not
hear
it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a
joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK
When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This
is
usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen,
do
not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This
reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom.
This
can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk
up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone
walks in
and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not
exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER
A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see
an
Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine
under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The
Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes
off
without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out
Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect
visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This
will
reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force
the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments
that
can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable
eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in
a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential
Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you
are
occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied.
If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can
poo
in peace.

WATERMELON
A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is
also
an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET
A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet
water.
Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended
lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle
Ted
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait
to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the
other
bathroom attendees.



Happy Crapping.



The Perfect Dump.

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare,
but
a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worst, but what you
get
is a smooth sliding, fartless masterpiece that breaks the water with the
splashless grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet
tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that
all
is right in the world, and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump.
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many
beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister,
lengthy noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could
close
the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.... A brief whiff
will
cause any dog to sneeze violently and repeatedly.

The Chili Dump.
Hot when it goes in, and napalm when it comes out. This dump makes the
bowl
look like Hiroshima (after the bomb), it stays with you all day,
stinging
with every stride, and generally making your puckered ring feel like the
Space Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese
Flag". NEVER wipe.. Dab gently.

The Empty Roll Dump.
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty
cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could
use
the curtains but then someone would ask, "where are the curtains?" Use
the
rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion
that every "empty roll dumper" must face..... tighten your cheeks, pull
up
your drawers, and shuffle yourself to the next nearest roll. Failing
that,
you could always use your shirttail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump.
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that
washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're
wet -
and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your spine.
*Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump.
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature
for
this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts,
and
then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see
your
loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man
dies
trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only five things you can do:
1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell that you've got some Vaseline to help you get through
it.
4. Grit your teeth, rock back and forth, and hope that it comes out on
its
own before you pass out from the pain. 5. Pry it out with a stick.

The Machine Gun Dump.
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace
when
suddenly you emit a group of noisy, gassy bursts that break the
tranquillity
like machine gun fire.

The Sound Effect Dump.
You feel a noisy one bubbling up, but relatives, friends or workmates
are
within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the
disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At
the
precise moment of release, try the following:
1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favourite opera.

The inch Manila Rope Dump.
It's a fast one! Appears to be approximately 15 feet of thin brown rope.

The Cling-On Dump.
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You
grip
the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and bounce, but the
little
ba***rd just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach
between
you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump.
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole
roll
and have to flush at least a dozen times.

The Encore Dump.
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about
to
leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must
therefore return for a curtain call.

The Houdini Dump.
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the
pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes, as you
can
guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next
person
who comes in.

The Giant Redwood Log Dump.
The dump of all dumps. A huge pebbly, cobby-type dump that is so long it
requires breaking up into smaller lengths in order to flush.

....If that helps

[Sorj]

Hey duck that was a killer post!!! I must have killed the thread as no ppl are replying now... if that helps?
An i thought tha scola was mmm the same as that other guy bk a while ago in cz Coincidence?

oops...wrong side....if that heps?
Which i know it does not help
So it not really helping the cause if that helps?
Now why did i say that if it does not help?
I am stuck in a shitty loop if that helps?
Which i know if does not help?
So why did i say if it helps if it does not help?
Shit i cannot get out of this loop if thathelps?
And i know it does not help becuse i cannot get out of it if thathelps?
Argh help help....if that helps....
I know it does not help but help me it thata helps?...
NOOOOOOOOOOOO if that helps??
HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEE if that helps?
DAVE DAMS if that helps?
Grrrrrr if that helps?
"Rains drops kepp falling on my head"...if that helps?
Aw Man!! if that helps?
I need bk up...if that helps...
I need help if that helps?
Help me i that helps
No..i mean help me if tha helps?
But everytime i say if tha helps i know it does not help if tha helps?
I hate getting stuck in a bad loop if tha helps?
man when can i stop if tha helps?
mmm if tha helps?
well....if tha helps?
i can't stop if tha helps?
i need to fix my loop if tha helps?
i can;t think of a way out if tha helps?
so someoen suggest something if tha helps?
i am going to break Duck post with this one if tha helps?
lol if tha helps?
A record within a record if tha helps?
This cannot be long can it if tha helps?
Well if i keep this up i will if tha helps?
But i really need to stop as i am sure you all will be bored by now if tha helps?
yeah if tha helps?
i found the loop hole if tha helps?
yes it does help
whoo hooo if tha helps?
trying to fix it now if tha helps?
if tha helps? if tha helps?
if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?
if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?
if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?if tha helps?............................................ .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. 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.................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ...........................................*error*

[Duck]

This thread is dieing :( doesn't help. But reading your thread did help kill some time while I am at work. If that helps.

[Lien Rag]

My 100th post!!!!!!! , if that helps??

[TheFella]

My 400th post if that helps??

[Sorj]

My...th.....D'oh..!!! Doesn't help

[Phoenix]

this thread isnt dting its good because we are on about random things. stop spamming people and start talking about thinks we like and/or are doing. also stop making posts 400,000 lines long and do NOT write i am spamming....btw art i still hates ya. i do definatly. we had 4 votes did me and my bro then u changed it. for that i believe you have forever disgraced yourself. and also i ramble on a bit so if you were bored before THIS POINT :BIG: :bowser: :cs13: :engel: :evil_alien: :spam2: :spam3: :spam2: :Ã*tchy: :iroc-front-green-stripes: :iroc-dragster: :knightrider: :iroc-cop: :microwave: THEN YOUR NOT NOW.......unless you have a 56k modem coz all these smileys will sag your pc. heh.......IF THAT HELPS?

[Lien Rag]

I can't play on 1.6 due to : Bad file Server is enforcing file consistency for mo... (I can't see after)
Need help plz I can't play.
I said that on another topic but no one replied , so if I see the number of replys on this topic, I think you will all see my problem.
If that helps??

[TheFella]

I think people will take more notice now!!! lol I'm not too sure what's causing that problem. Hopefully Danny, DD or Brainlag will know.

I've just finished work, if that helps??

[Zeph]

You should be able to see the full message on the console. if it helps.

[Wheels]

yes you could read the full message in the console and then podt it here, if that helps??

*edit* /singing i got a date withh my ex on saturday!! yeehaaa

if that helps??

[Lien Rag]

And how can I go to my console , if I can't go on a server??
if that helps??

[Scooter]

i got a new headset today from GAME it was £15 and it looks fairly good

if that helps?

i also got the 2004 hollioaks calender (ladies)

if that helps?

[Scooter]

red square is rubbish for the chickens, thankyou please.


if that helps?

[7rinity]

Once upon a time,

There lived a really sexy bird called 7rinity. She lived in a lovely cottage in the middle of the jungle, all alone with her magenta vibrator.

One evening, she sat down on her sofa and began to think about her 9 inch magenta vibrator and she became rather excited. She got up and walked into her bedroom. She reached for her bedside cabinet and opened the top drawer. It wasn't there.

She paniced.

"Oh fuck! What shall I do now?"

She dropped herself onto her bed and began to weep profusely until she suddenly remembered...

"Lucy!"

She stretched for her pillow, picked it up and threw it aside and there lay Lucy in all her shiny naked glory!

"Fuck yeah!" thought 7rin to herself.

She reached for the shotty and began to rub herself with it. Then she shuved it up her cunt, pulled the trigger and BAM!!!!!!!! Blew herself apart like a firecracker in the misty November sky.

The END if that helps!?

[R3dz]

looooooooooooooooooooool

erm, i dont think it does help mate.

theres kids watching. if that helps?

[7rinity]

oh dear...time to send some pointless posts to sandwich my very rude thread between lots of non-rude threads. It should help.

[7rinity]

I need to get to page 15 if that helps

[7rinity]

nearly there

[7rinity]

help me out if that helps?!

[7rinity]

I guess I kind of blew any chance of getting this thread published in the guiness book of records lol.

Sorry admins. I got carried away. won't happen again if that helps.

[Scooter]

im sure art could edit thats what hes best at. :D


have you heard? sophie-ellis-baxtor has been found dead in a french footballers hotel room, police are treating it as murder on zidanes floor.


if that helps?

[7rinity]

ahahahahahahahahahaha

cheesy yet somehow viscous.

Artjuh, could you please remove some of my bad language in my earlier posting on this thread - not the poem, the story :)

I think I got a little carried away and there are kids reading this thread.

[GreenGrass]

are u ppl still writing on this one...

well some wicked posts here... but as it is said in latin:

"Semel insanivimus omnes"

try to translate it ... if that helps ...

[Wheels]

erm........ i think it's to do with us being mental, if that helps??

[GreenGrass]

aaah correct... once we were all insane... hmmm my latin-->english is a bit rusty

[GreenGrass]

if that helps!!!!!!

[Devilfish]

I think helps,
therfore I helps!
if that helps?

[GreenGrass]

omg I think this is just empty talking... because we dont have a server....if that helps....

[Devilfish]

Romeo Romeo where are you Romeo
" down here u silly biatch"
If that helps?

[GreenGrass]

Keelhaul the galleymaster. This tea is thoroughly nasty

if that helps...

[Devilfish]

If I was a butterfly,
Id still wonder why?
Why fly's fly!
and bees buzz!
If that helps?

[GreenGrass]

well fishy as the doc said today:

"I'm sorry, but there's no more brandy, so it'll probably hurt a bit when I amputate your leg."

if that help....

[Scooter]

if you are helping a helper then who is being helped??


if that helps?

[Duck]

LOL! trinity, you be making loony asylum require adult ID to get in here teh way your behaving lol!!! nice1. SO finally I know who lucy is. And nice cheesy football joke scooter, heres one I made up jusy now:

Chelsea football club buys a new foreign striker with lots of money, the striker can't shoot for shit even thoguh he gets paids loads. Ranieri ask him: "Why you no score for me hah?" the striker replies: " I'm not in mutu"

(In the mood to!!!)

CHEEEEEEEEEEESE!!!!

[Scooter]

oh dear.

if that helps<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<people are starting to forget!

[Duck]

Fuck I broke the chain! didn't put If that helps on the end of last post so I put it in here twice.

LMAO at 7rinity asking for his story to be deleted! KICK 7rin! rude boy.
amx_kick 7rinity
amx_ban 1000000000 7rinity

you make me laught sometimes 7rin

...If that helps
...If that helps

[Scooter]

duck said*
Fuck I broke the chain!


amx_slap duck with just enough might to make him cry for his mommy :D

if that helps?

[7rinity]

ahahahahahahaha

amx_please_dont_ban_me_I_cant_help_being_rude

amx_if_that_helps?!

[Duck]

I want more birds on the server!!! I know a good source of CD girl players at the old 69ers server. I reocn we can woo them over to loony cos we're that damn good at chatting. Sili's talk queen, but I'm talk-king!
Our mission is simple, we infiltrate their server. throw a few woos and bang we got them. An a good bang it will be!!! QUACKAHAHAHAH! Whos in operation Cave Duck? Let me know, the passwords will be....

....If that helps.

[Lankinator]

i've just eaten a battered sausage after watching forest draw with ipswich, if that helps?

[Devilfish]

can we call it SWAN(under cover duck)
if that helps, btw im always up for wooing the female speicies, if that helps? but i doubt it!

[Duck]

I took some time to perfect your sig trinity ... if that helps.

http://gamezone.loonyasylum.co.uk/imagehosting/hosted/trinity_my_new_sig_07852.gif

[Scooter]

hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhaahhahahahahahahahaha hah
that is top bombing :D :D


if that helps?

[[LA]zeid]

i cant feel my legs

if that helps?

[Scooter]

the server is back online!!!!!!!!



now i know that helps :D

[TheFella]

I can't believe you guys carried on without me! :(

A polar bear covers its nose when hunting, if that helps??

[Eda]

I was tired, but Ducks funny humor really helped, if that helps?

[TheFella]

I'm tired at the mo, so i'm going to bed, as I've got work in the morning. If that helps??

[Duck]

Morning call for the loony massive. WAnted to get my first post in for today. I'm no cock-rel but I can definitly QUACK! WAKE UP! QAUCK!
....If that helps.

<img src="http://gamezone.loonyasylum.co.uk/imagehosting/hosted/trinity_my_new_sig_07852.gif" border="0" />

[TheFella]

That woke me up! If that helps??

[R3dz]

loool.
duck your avatar is killing me m8!
so funny.
if that helps?

and dammit, why dont more people post at this time. i need something to do at work.

[Duck]

I had a chicken ceasar, bacon and lettuce in brown bread sandwich with a bottle of diet coke.... if that helps.

[TheFella]

I',m going to have another chicken tikka sandwich for lunch today. If that helps??

[7rinity]

LMAO Duck!

Like the change you made to my picture :D

How do you do avtars btw if that helps?!

[Scooter]

i can do avtars but not the picture thingy??


put the avtar pic in hosting site on loony

if that helps



BO SELECTOR

[7rinity]

I don't know how to create avtars period if that helps?!

help!!!!!

[Scooter]

oh i just used a pic i downloaded from a muppet website.


i am thick as shit when it comes to computers sorry.


hows your car i can fix that :D

if that helps?

[7rinity]

lol

I want one of them animated thingy-ma-bobs like Duck has if that helps

[Scooter]

yea i wish i could use my pc properly that would be so cool


ho hum
if that helps?

[Rogue]

Lankinator fires blanks... if it helps of course