Afrodo
26th May '05, 16:28
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of his house Yelling to his wife, "Pack your bags baby, I just won the lottery! All ?10,000,000.... Woooohooo!!!!"
That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, "Just p**s off!"
__________________________________________________ __________
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" she asks.
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "
"But what about the smell?" she says
"Hold its nose." comes the reply
__________________________________________________ ________
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces To his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"
__________________________________________________ ________
Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy.... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying Out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared And he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he Must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."
***Long pause***
***More pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
__________________________________________________ ____________
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have. m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. "
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."
That's great sweetie" she replies, "Do I pack for the beach or the mountains?" "Who cares", he replies, "Just p**s off!"
__________________________________________________ __________
A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
"Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?" she asks.
Her husband replies "Put it between your legs to keep it warm. "
"But what about the smell?" she says
"Hold its nose." comes the reply
__________________________________________________ ________
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces To his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze".
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course", says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!!"
__________________________________________________ ________
Phone Tale:
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy.... Is your Mummy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mummy right now"
"Uh, Okay, then ... here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mummy and Uncle Frank that Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying Out the front window and now she's dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared And he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool ... but he Must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and he's dead too."
***Long pause***
***More pause****
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool???? Is this 555-7039?"
__________________________________________________ ____________
The new American Marine Captain was assigned to an Irish Regiment in a remote post in the Lebanese desert. During his first inspection, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent. He asks the Irish Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
"Well, sir" is the nervous reply. "As you know, there are 250 men here and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have. m-m-m.... urges. That's why we have the camel sir." The American Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about urges, so the camel can stay. "
About a month later, the Captain starts having a real problem with his own urges.
Crazy with passion, he asks the Irish Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent. Putting a stool behind the camel, the Captain stands on it, pulls down his pants, and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
When he is done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the Irish do it?
"Uh, no sir", the Sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are."